Memory

Every time I watch the end of Ladder 49, Backdraft, or attend the funeral of someone I know (firefighter or not) I always somehow return to the thought of my own funeral. The questions of "Who will be there?", "What stories will they tell of me?", "Will I have left behind a lasting memory?"

Where it's probably not a goo thought to have, it really doesn't bother me to ponder these questions. I can only hope that I'll be able to look down and see the support from firemen that I've met along the way as well as family and friends. I can only hope that stories and laughter will be shared rather than tears. But that hopes to be a ways away. 

One thing you don't want to do in this line of service, concerning family, is leave things undone. You want peace to be made, loving words to be said, and faith in all those who cared about you unquestioned. Your family and friends should never have to wonder whether you cared for them. To this day, we still tell stories of our past chief. How he used to show up on calls early in the morning with his tshirt and forestry pants. We were convinced that he always slept with those by his bed. We tell stories of how we would be summoned into his office cause we had done something dumb, or tell stories of how much he preached about safe driving and be the first one to scratch a truck or put it in a ditch. All fond memories, all laughs. That's how I want my memory to be. 

Fighting the good fight

We all deal with our emotions in our own way. Some of us are very outward with our emotions, swearing at the heavens or crying into our pillows. Some of us, however, are very inward. We keep things to ourselves for as long as the walls will hold. If we are lucky, the emotions will subside and things will return to normal. The one real time that I had a problem was when I tried to explain to my daughter that her little cousin wouldn't be coming home. Trying to choke up those words proved to be a very difficult task. That's probably the only time that I was glad to have her mother there. To this day, I haven't shed a single tear from the loss of my nephew, I'm not exactly sure why. I figure it may be because I shed enough over the years and my tank is dry. To be honest, his passing didn't bother me that much. I can only guess that it was because I never got the chance to really know him, I had only really gotten to see him once for about ten minutes because of the hours in the NICU. What bothered me the most was to see the hurt inside my sister. Nothing bothered me more than to see my family hurting. There were days thereafter where I would have moments of complete heartbreak. Then, it was like a calm came over me, and I would go about what I was doing. Members of the Fire Department were very supportive to my sister and brother in law while the officers on my shift at work were very supportive to me. It was this support that made me feel even more like "family". On the day of the funeral and even in the days after, I found comfort in my sister's smile, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders when she laughed, and I saw the weight lift off of hers when she would try to make others laugh too.

Through all of this, I think we've all come a little closer to god. We've found a church that we really like and fits our personalities very well. My sister has now become very involved with the March of Dimes and their fundraisers, which helps her a lot. Through this organization, she has gained even more support from those around her and have inspired those with similar stories to get involved as well. 

December 1st, I took office as Lieutenant. I had waited for this for 9 long years. In that time, I had some pretty crummy leaders. Some were a lot better than others, but some were just bad. I made a promise that I would be the best officer I could be. I would help others achieve their goals, take time to train others on what they were interested in, be available whenever possible, and go the extra mile. It's not like I have a life anyway. My medical classes had been completed before the new year, but with all that was going on and the fact that it was going to cost me $100 to get my national registry and state license, it had to be put on hold. In early February, I completed and passed my national registry test and gained my state EMS license. I was now able to answer medical calls in my county. I had been running medical calls on the fire truck for years, watching how everything goes, but now I was able to respond from home. I am rather glad that I got all that practice years ago, I went into this new field with experience and knowledge ready to take things on. Even today, I'm learning new things and new ways to help the ambulance crews that run with us. It's an awesome feeling to know that you've learned a new skill in order to better aid the people you work for and with. 

Being a rural fire officer in small department was easy back in the day. Your job was to be the leader inside and on incidents. You were the leader on scene if none of the other officers were there. These days, a fire officer is not only the leader on the hose line and interior team, but he serves in an administrative function as well. In my department, we have 4 battalions that each have a captain and 2 lieutenants. Your lieutenant is your first officer contact, he is your company leader. He takes care of the problems you may have with things that are going on, hands out directives and punishment from superior officers, and (in our case) keeps up with your participation. Some officers even have a responsibility inside the department such as maintenance, inventory, training, and so on.  Being an operational leader only is almost not an option anymore, you must also put in work and extra time for the department to run smoothly depending on the size of your department. 

Every volunteer firefighter knows....you could be sitting at home watching TV, eating dinner, or sound asleep looking forward to your day off tomorrow when, out of nowhere, the tone fires off and someones bad night just turned into your passion. This particular night, I don't remember what I was doing, but I remember that it was ten at night and I had just finished eating not long ago. Just about ready to turn in for the night, the tones roll. It sound like a typical medical call or maybe a fire alarm at one of the hotels or apartments at first.....then the dispatcher says "commercial structure fire".  Wait, WHAT?? Commercial buildings can be bad. They are designed and built different than a house, so there is way more to be mindful of. There is also no telling what may be inside the building. Fortunately for us, this was a restaurant. Had it been the Waffle House, I'm sure a lot of the guys would have been crying. Since command consisted of myself and 2 other lieutenants (because the battalion chiefs wanted to play), we divided the responsibility into ops and accountability. I took the front side of the building, directing a team of highly educated firemen to perform minor tasks. My partner directed roof operations and kept track of my progress. Command, in any variation, can be stressful, but can also give you a feeling of reward. 

The beach chick was peeking around again by then. I knew that she seemed right for me, but every time it felt like we were getting somewhere, I would be an idiot and go after something else that looked good. The more she seemed to come around, the more I would realize it. I had came upon a couple of other opportunities that proved to be bad choices at the time, which I was able to avoid. When you live where I do, people get creative about how they burn things. I once ran a mobile home fire that the man had set intentionally in order to burn away everything that wasn't metal...he went to jail for that. It also seems like people pick the day that the wind is blowing 40 miles an hour to burn their limbs and branches that fell off their tree on the last storm, then wonder how it could have ever gotten that far out of hand. Kids, they do it for fun. I'll bet if I threw their xbox in the fire, they wouldn't light any more. One of the strangest ones so far was a woods fire one afternoon. This old man decided that he wanted to burn an old, dead tree in his yard but did not want to cut it down and cut it up....so he lit it standing up. Maybe it would have went better had the wind not been blowing at all. We were able to stop the fire in the woods from getting further out of hand, but needed to stop the source before another fire started. 60 gallons of water later, we decided that this tree fire wasn't going out so easily. Instead of using the farm equipment the old man had, he decides he is going to cut this tree down....while its on fire. You, my friend, are what keeps paramedics employed. We actually called an ambulance for this guy in case the tree fell on him. Luckily, the tree came down without incident and we were able to put it completely out, but that was definitely one for the books. 

For as much as women like to complain about the men that they date, some of them will lie their ass off when they find a good one. For me, they were all from the same county. It seemed like almost every woman I found from the county just north of me had flat out lied to me about some of the most important things, things that could NOT be overlooked. It almost makes it impossible to trust people when you re handed lies like these. It wasn't just those girls either, it seemed to be quite a few of them that I was interested in. Maybe I just like picking the wrong ones. In my 22 months at the police department, I had grown to love the guys I worked with. We were quite a good element. I had also grown to hate my job. Essentially, I was one person doing the job of 5 people...all the time. Fault seemed to fall on us when something went wrong, even though our leaders saw fit to pawn responsibilities on us during day shift. I had decided enough was enough. I was tired of running myself ragged while constantly being promised that help was coming, I was tired of admin having problems with us but not willing to fix them, and I was tired of being told that my job was at stake. One of the hardest things I have ever done at work was to tell my supervisor, a guy I would rather work with over anyone else, that I was leaving. What made me feel a ton better was that he told me I was the best officer he had ever had working in the jail for him and that the department would be losing a great asset. It made me feel good that I had done my job well enough that I earned those compliments from him. In early April of 13, I left my job at the jail and went back to my previous department in dispatch. The money was better and I was looking at more opportunity and less worry. 

In the fire service, you often hear about things going on in other parts of the country. It sucks knowing that others in your position are working their ass off only to lose the battle before winning the war. The closer things are to home, the more they can have an impact on you. Mid April, 2013, a fertilizer plant in a small Texas town called 911 for help with a fire in their plant. Responding crews had no idea what was about to happen. Shortly after the initial attack on the fire at the West Fertilizer plant in West, Tx, the fire spread rapidly into storage areas inside the plant. The chemicals inside these storage areas, after a period of time, ignited, causing a chain reaction that led to an explosion that leveled some homes and caused countless damage to others in the area. A middle school, nursing home, and apartments also fell victim to the explosion. All of which were occupied at the time. When I listen to the radio traffic from this, even today, hearing the words "firefighter down" doesn't come easy to my ears. It's never something you want to hear on your radio...ever. 

At 27 years old, father of a 6 year old, and looking for a good woman...I needed to get a bigger truck. Rolling around in a small body Chevy was getting cramped. I despise loan notes, but in order for my daughter to have more room and to fit the possibility of more children, I decided to upgrade to a full size crew cab truck. My small pickup also had some issues with it that made me fixing it almost pointless. Going from a small, gas saving truck to a gas drinking full size will hit you hard in the wallet. Everything is more expensive; tires, gas, toys, etc. It also seems to promote marriage proposals. That's all fine and good when its just a joke with someone I'm friends with. When it comes as a serious sentence from someone I've wanted for years and then turns into "you would be good for me" and "I want you in my life"....its a whole new ball game. Like the person I am, I gave in and let myself believe that she was actually going to be mine this time. I couldn't have been more wrong....I was let down again. 

In my area, we are offered part time work with the FD when the paid firemen need time off. This allows us to make extra money and we get to do the same thing we would normally be doing for free. I had finally put in the paperwork to be able to do this in order to help out the paid guys at my department. In these experiences, I learned that being a paid fireman may actually be what I want to do. My mind still isn't made up. We are often requested by organizations and businesses to perform minor public relations details for children. We  usually jump at this request if the personnel is available. When offered, we try and sit down and have a meal with the people we do these things for. It warms our hearts to have the support of our community and to know that we are making a difference in these lives every day.

In the fire service, you sometimes attend funerals of people you don't even know. You do this to support the brothers that you do know and to pay respects to a lost brother. This was the third time in almost 10 years that I've heard "the last call", and it seems to have gotten easier for me. Maybe this is from hardening my outward emotions so much that I barely have any inward, or that I just did not know the guy nor had any emotion invested in the situation. Don't get me wrong, I was sympathetic, I guess I've just been broken so many times that emotion doesn't come easy for me....until it comes to a woman. On this note, beach chick was back again. This time, she came up to my work, in a rainstorm, to tell me that she wanted us to be together. OK, enough procrastination, I was doing this once and for all. I had to know if we were going to be good for each other or not. Things were great, her and I were working slowly, but coming along nicely. I felt like things were finally falling into place, I wanted no one but her. 

In our area, and in areas like ours, we encounter countless accidents on county highways. Most of these accidents are minor or require little medical aid, but on rare occasions.. we encounter accidents that impact us hard. These accidents are some of the most horrible things you ll ever see in your life. Some of these folks respond to these accident scenes and see their own families in the people that their either trying to help or trying to cover. I've ran my fair share of fatality accidents, they re no fun. These things stay with you too, for the rest of your life. I can honestly say that I can take you to each and every call that I've ever responded to and what happened. Keep in mind, 70% of all firefighters are volunteer. These people receive no pay for the things they see, do, and respond to. They do it for the love of the job and the love of their community. On the medical side, there's not many more stressful situations far from a child in distress. The few I have dealt with have left an everlasting impression on me for life. 

Things on the love front were steadily climbing, this seemed to be one of my good choices in life. I just knew we were going to make it this time. On the one year anniversary of my nephew's birthday, my sister made plans for a group of us to go to the Ronald McDonald house in New Orleans, where they had stayed while he was in NICU, to cook for the residents there in a tribute for his birthday. All those that were staying were so glad to have the company, humbled by the story, lifted every one's spirits, and were glad that we made something different that night. I believe it would be something good to do for others on a yearly date that means a lot to all of us. 

About a month and a half after trying to make this round work, I began to get the idea that my beach girl was giving me the slip. She would go days without texting me, and even then, wouldn't say much. I went to visit my dad one Saturday after he had been put in a New Orleans hospital for blood clots. If he was about to go downhill, I wanted my daughter to be able to spend more time with him. Leaving Daphne, Al that evening, I text her to chat with her like normal, only she didn't seem like she was talking normal. It would be weeks before I learned that she had found herself another boyfriend....and didn't bother to say anything to me. I was heartbroken again. I didn't let this keep me down for long though. I kept busy with the fire department, work, friends, and the one walk I do every 6 months with a friend from school, not like it helps my fitness any. It only took a month, however, for her to come right back to me with the same old lines. Did I learn? NOPE!! Never do! This time, I actually got myself into a committed and almost loving relationship with this girl right before Christmas. Shortly after the new year, she slid off again and eventually broke up with me, this time. A few weeks after, she decided she was not sure about her decision and proceeded to come around again wanting me in her life. That didn't last long either. 

We have come to current events. I know I've left off stories and other items, but I'm sure I'll come back to those here and there as I go. Remember this, If a high school 17 year old drop out can land a city government job, be a successful fireman, raise a 7 year old girl, handle heartbreak after heartbreak, see tragedy, horror, and loss regularly, and still come out on top...the same man in the shoes I was in almost 11 years ago can too. Set goals, do good things, be a positive image, and lay off drug and alcohol abuse. You can succeed if you put your goals in the front, do the right things, and work hard. You may not want to be a fireman, but doing something good for someone else that can never repay you back is one of the greatest things you can ever do in your lifetime.  Keep fighting the good fight, guys. 

Lt Will. 

For love of the job

I'll pause my story telling to say this. In my area alone...we have 9 miles of interstate, a county highway, hotels, schools, numerous misc businesses, restaurants, gas stations, apartments, and numerous other buildings. We are a group of 60 plus members, 4 battalions, 3 main response stations, skilled medical responders, and sometimes family. We answer almost every call you can think of with the exception of rail car incidents. With that being said, volunteer firemen such as myself and the others like me, are ready at the drop of a hat to put out your house fire, remove you from a wrecked vehicle, or come to your medical aid. These guys are skillfully trained and carry out their task no matter the hour, and sometimes the risk to themselves. They do this for free. The average speed on a highway is 55 mph. Accidents at these speeds can cause substantial damage to both a vehicle and a person's body. When driving on the highways...always have a way out in case you find yourself headed for a bad situation, scan the roads for hazards and always be aware of your surroundings, when you see emergency lights (whether they're blue, red, or a combination) move over, slow down, and give these emergency responders room to work safely. It's bad enough that someone may have been severely injured, but you definitely don't want to know that you injured an emergency responder when it could have been prevented. 

Another thing these fine folks are, is human. Some of these accidents can hit us hard depending on the circumstances. 2 things I ask of you. While you're sending up prayers for the victims...send one up for those that are working the incident for courage, strength, and guidance throughout the duration. Also, take time out just to say a quick thank you to those in your area that do these things. Sometimes, hearing appreciation for what we do, makes the job all that much more worth it. These guys leave their families, dinner, and even sleep to come to the aid of those that call for us. Show em you love em! 

Ohana

About a month after my last break up, and right around the same time I met the hot blond in town, i was surfing myyearbook and came upon a cute little girl from Kansas. She seemed like a good catch, there was only one problem, she lived in Kansas! Part of the reason that my daughter's mother and I never worked out the first time was because she lived almost 3 hours away from me. How was I going to have a relationship three states away? I was having fun with the blond in town though. She was hot, fun, and didn't really care what we did as long is she had me to occupy her spare time before having to tend to her motherly and adult duties. Somewhere along the way, I must have done something or said something to chase her away because she hasn't had much to say to me since then. Meanwhile, Kansas wasn't going anywhere, as a matter of fact, she was getting closer and closer. Things here weren't all that different from normal. We had hydrant testing that had to be done, host testing that had to be done, training meetings, business meetings, the occasional accident and woods fire, and the ever more rare experience of house fires. Since I still had yet to get the doctors note to return to full duty, there wasn't much I could do for some of these calls. I used this time to work on my incident command observations and play the role as much as I could.

Just before the summer arrived, I did something that I have never done in my entire life before and probably will never do again. The relationship between Kansas and I had grown to such an extent in such short of a time. Other than the distance between us, everything seemed to be wonderful. There were constant talks about her coming down to visit me, but never any plans made because plane tickets were quite the cost and her job didn't pay all that well. I don't remember how I came to it, but I came into quite a bit of money. When I say quite a bit, I mean that all my bills were paid and I still had $600 left. So what did I do? I bought round-trip tickets and paid all the fees for Kansas to come down to Mississippi to visit. Of course, I lied everyone and told them that she bought one of the tickets and I bought the other. She didn't really like that I had planned to buy the tickets, but she understood that I was going to do it anyway and just went with it. The way my schedule works, I only had to take off two days of vacation in order to spend the entire week that she and I had planned for her to be here. I had never done something like this before, so I was praying to God that it all would go somewhat positively. She was supposed to be here on a Sunday, but because of the security checkpoint from where she took off from, the plane left without her. The time was taken off, the flights were paid for, I had even reserved hotel room for a couple of nights so that the first part of our visit would be somewhat private. Because of the airports screw up, she was not able to leave until Monday morning. That poor girl pretty much stayed the night in an airport. I felt so bad for her and couldn't do a thing to help. I picked her up at the airport Monday just after lunch. We spent the first part of the afternoon driving around, showing her my beach. By the end of our little tour, we were both getting a little hungry. We decided to go put her things inside the hotel room, take a shower, and decide on what we wanted to eat. We chose a pizza joint in the town that I worked in that I had never eaten before. The place was nice and the food was decent, but she had not slept in hours and was definitely feeling the effects. We ultimately decided to go back to the hotel room after dropping the leftovers off at my house so that she could get the rest that she needed. Tuesday morning, there was no need for either of us to be up early, so we slept in as long as we could. I don't remember too many of the details from that day, but that day was planned to show her what made up my life. We had to be out of the hotel by a certain time, so we decided to take all of our things to my house, where we would be staying. Mom had told me that my little brother was playing a ball game that night, so we went over to Alabama to the ball fields to watch. Afterwards, it was an interesting experience at the Waffle House, but then again, what experience there isn't? Then, it was mom's house for a little while before hitting the road home. Wednesday, we decided to take a road trip a little bit up north. I wanted to show her my two favorite towns, both that I wanted to live in. She enjoyed the scenery of both and even admitted to getting ideas of living in one of them. The rest of the afternoon was spent just admiring the scenery of back roads and small towns. Then, it was back home for dinner and bed. Thursday was a day at the beach after I tried to get her to eat sushi for lunch. You cant win 'em all! I told her from the start, if I got a call, she was coming with me. We weren't back home for long that day before I drug her to an accident call close by that just happened to involve a friend of mine. She rather enjoyed some of that, minus my driving. Friday morning, we decided to go eat at a new place on the bay for breakfast Afterwards, we walked along town green and the old downtown area. This was to be her last day here, and it wasn't easy for her. We decided to spend the last hours of her visit asleep together, since I had to work that night and she would be getting on a plane and wouldn't be back home until almost midnight. The drive to the airport was a hard one for her. I was doing OK until she began to cry right outside the security area. I felt so bad that she had to leave, but I knew that she couldn't just leave her life behind for one good week. I wouldn't let her make a decision like that anyway. In a way, I probably didn't want her to leave either, I knew what life would be like with her around, in a good way.

Life returned to normal, we ran calls here and there, same old stuff. I had become irreplaceable to my shift and my lieutenant at work. It was a great feeling to know that your work and presence was appreciated on some level. The summer was here, my favorite time of year. Living on the beach, the summer is always a great time to get out and catch the scenery! By no means am I this kind of person, but I had been chatting up a new friend that I had met on Facebook through mutual friends. It was harmless chatting every couple of days or so and even a couple of visits to the beach. It didn't take long before I could tell that she had an interest in me, but she wouldn't show it. I was trying to fight my interest in her, but that was easier said than done. She was here, not in any other state in America, here. I could see her whenever I wanted almost and that was something interesting to me at the moment. I decided to break the news to her that I was involved with someone. She took it well, but was still adamant that she had feelings for me and that she didn't mind waiting for a brief period of time. Try as I might to fight ANY feeling toward her, all attempts failed. Moves were made, lines were crossed, and before I knew what was happening...I couldn't go back. At the end of June, a tropical storm was due to hit south Florida. This was the exact same time that I was due to take a vacation to Disney with my dad, his wife, their daughter, my daughter and I. A vacation was gonna be good for me. I would take the time to think about things going on in my life, spend a week with my daughter in the perfect place for kids, and not have to be in Mississippi. I had worked all night before the trip, so the drive home and then to Gulf Breeze was a long one.The tropical storm was still making its way to Florida, but had rumors of weakening right before landfall. We were awaiting the word of whether we were going to attempt the trip because of it. Ultimately, it would weaken enough and possibly be gone by the time we got there. WRONG! It was here that I decided to never go on vacation with my father and his wife ever again. Especially not with a 9 hour ride. Because I have local cell service, I decided to keep my phone use to a minimum to keep away from overages. I told Kansas this and that I wanted to concentrate on this time with family. Where this was, in fact, true...I also needed the time to think without distractions. That doesn't say that I was silent with her the whole week, because I would send her pictures and tell her how the day had went. I would usually text her when we got in that night from dinner. Our first day in the park, we decided to see Epcot first..1-because it doesn't hold as many fun things for kids as the others do, 2-its not as big as the other parks, and 3-because it was right in the middle of a TROPICAL STORM! Who goes to Disney during a tropical storm? These Idiots!! Another reason I refuse to take anymore vacations where my father's wife is involved is because she is, by far, the worst vacation planner that I've ever met. I was honestly disappointed for my daughter because we spent more time waiting for her to figure out what we were doing next and complaining than actually doing things. There was so much that my little girl missed out on because of this. I will say that despite all the down sides, she did enjoy herself.

I have yet to figure out how (probably because I slept the entire trip back) how a 9 hour ride to Orlando can take 12 hours to get back The only thing I wanted more than to be home in my bed, was to be the hell out of that Yukon with them. When we finally got back to Gulf Breeze, dad asked me if I was OK to get back home or did I want to stay. I'm good!! After getting home, and well after a lot of thought, I decided that I couldn't keep going with a long distance relationship. I knew that one of two things would happen. Either she would pack up and move down here with me after only a few months, or it was going to fail. My greatest fear was that she would move down here and we would get settled in only for things to fall apart not even a year later. The scariest part of that, for me, was that she would be stuck here. Of course, for a girl in love, a breakup is nothing even remotely close to pleasant. Single again. I continued to talk to the girl from the beach, spending even more time now with her. Still on the website, I was meeting new people off and on. I had even started an account on Plenty of Fish. Again, it wasn't that I was looking for a new girlfriend, I was just looking to meet new people. And this I did. Browsing around one day, I came across this woman (30) who was looking for a date to a wedding. I offered my advice with a little added humor and went on my way. To my surprise, she sent me a message returning the humor and saying that I should just take her. Alright! This woman was gorgeous, what in the world could she see in me?? Being a gentleman, I took her up on her offer and began to plan it all out since I had to work that day. The day before the wedding was to take place, she was unable to go. I understood and went about the rest of my work weekend. We would message back and forth about finding a way to meet since we seemed to connect so well. She didn't live that far away either, which was a plus. My lieutenant was getting married soon and would have a local reception to which I was invited. We began to plan a date for that wedding, which was a month or two away still. In the meantime, I was still trying to visit her in her home town. All attempts were unsuccessful. I began to get a little suspicious. The day of the reception, I received a text from her saying that she was sick and could not make it. It began to look exactly like my situation with the southern sweetheart, who was now married. I went on to the reception alone. I had a good time with my work friends, as I always do. One of the guy's wife was all about me being with a woman and was excited about the date I said that I was going to have that night. She began to ask where my date was. I explained the situation of why she couldn't be there, but she wanted to see pictures. I began to show her the pictures I had in my phone. Her instant reply was "you know Jenna?!?" Do what?? Let me back up a little...The conversations between us have revealed that she was a 30 year old mother of 2, dance instructor in Mobile, attended church regularly, and was just as country as I like 'em. I found out that I had possibly been lied to.

I went home and got on the computer. I knew the name on facebook that I needed to look up. I stopped counting at 5 matched pictures. I confronted her about my new information to which she came clean about. She was, in fact a 19 year old cheerleader, mother of 1 (although I'm still not convinced that is true), she had no job, and she had a boyfriend. I was instantly angered. I knew it had to be too good to be true, and it was. A beautiful, sweet, caring woman fell into my lap out of thin air, and it turned out to be a box full of lies. I'll admit, it hurt a little, but I don't think I would have been able to trust her after that, so maybe it was best that she move on without me. When you re in public safety, you don't get the option to evacuate with your family when disaster strikes. I was called in for mandatory duty when hurricane Gustav hit the coast. At only a category 1 hurricane when it made landfall, this would be a cakewalk at work. The good points about being at work for this was good food and lots of folks around to talk to. I was able to go home at night while it was going on due to the low safety risks. I didn't lose much sleep over this one either.

On September 18th, 2012, my sister went in for a pregnancy check up. The doctor, after some examination, sent her to Oschners hospital in Louisiana. That evening, she gave birth to a little boy that weighed only a pound 4 months premature. I was in medical class for the fire department and doing an ambulance ride along as part of the curriculum when I got the news. I tried to go see her when we made a transfer to Louisiana, but we were due back in Ms immediately after we were finished. It would have to wait. He would be in NICU for the foreseeable future. I was able to come and visit a couple of times while he was still in the hospital. The hospital had released my sister, but she did not want to leave her little boy. The hospital was able to secure them a room at the Ronald McDonald house near the hospital. This would give them an opportunity to visit as often as they could. As the days went on, he began to gain weight little by little and even be taken off of his ventilator. Local fire departments around mine had heard of the story and pitched in with fundraisers to help out in any way possible. My own department even gave for the cause.

A couple of weeks later, I had a stroke of genius. I knew that my back specialist wouldn't clear me for full duty since I was not able to complete physical therapy and I forgot about his follow up appointment. I decided to take my recovery to my regular doctor, who was the second person I reported my problem to after one of the other doctors in the practice did nothing for me. My doctor looked me over, did some tests, and felt that I was OK to perform normal duties. I was finally clear! It took me a couple weeks longer to get my gear back, but once I had it...it was ON!! Only 2 days later, I was on the back side of a burning metal storage shed fighting a fully involved RV fire. It was only after the flames were finally out that we realized there was way more inside that shed than we expected. A damn good first fire back that was. An hour after we cleared the call and put all the trucks back in service, I was pulling up in my driveway when we got the call of a hotel fire in our area. For 9 hours (only 4 of which I could stay for) my department and several from surrounding areas battled this fire that seemed to always be one step ahead of us. That's the second longest fire we have worked since a feed store caught on fire in early 2005, which I forgot to mention earlier. That particular call was 12 hours long. That's the first time I had ever made an initial attack on a commercial building. The room was a little smokey, barely enough to hinder your vision. One of the guys was on a ladder, spraying water in the attic on the fire, pushing it back to where it originated from. The command had been given to stop that progress and wait. Since we were in no immediate danger, this was not a problem. A few minutes later, I just happened to look above my head and notice flames shooting over the attic access hole to reach the space overhead to the rear of us. There has never been any greater confidence than when I looked at this sight and felt OK because I knew the guy with me had my back. Eventually, we were all called out due to the impending spread and demise of the building.

Back to the story....

I was only able to stay for 4 hours, but had the sense enough to bring the mobile air cascade with me, which I ran the entire time. Once I couldn't stay any longer, I passed my job to someone who knew what to do, and called a ride back to my truck. It wasn't until I walked into court that night at work, that I was as red as a lobster. Oh well, the price of the job I guess.
Since my new nephew looked to be coming home sometime around Christmas, It was time that I found my own place since my sister would need the room. I found a house in late October that I could rent from a guy that I worked at the police department with. He would give me a good deal on the rent since he knew what kind of person I was. As if that wasn't a good thing going for me, I had finally made the qualifications to be made an officer, and it just so happened that an elected officer position was coming up. I gathered all the required documents and submitted them for review. The election was set for the first Thursday in November, and so far..I looked to be the only applicant. I had been waiting for this for years, and it finally looked possible. November 1st, I laid down the deposit and first months rent on my new house. This was a huge step for me. I had quite a bit of help getting the place cleaned up, painted, and ready to move in within a couple of days.

November 3rd will forever be a day burned in my memory. My sister, brother in law, and mother was helping me with the finishing touches inside the house before moving all my stuff in. My nephew was due to have a procedure that day just before lunch to flush out an infection that he had gotten. The doctors assured us that things should go well. After we had finished with the house, we were all contemplating dinner ideas. My sister and brother in law were going to head back to Louisiana and eat on the way. While on the way back, they got a call to get back to the hospital as fast as they could do safely. A few hours later, I received a call from my mother saying that my nephew wasn't doing good and may not live through the night. I immediately gathered my things, left my daughter in the care of my grandparents, and proceeded west. The 2 things I was thankful not to see were tail lights and police cars the whole way. Before I could get far enough over the state line, my mother called me to say that my nephew was no longer with us. We got a good 46 days in his life, but he will have the rest of ours in our hearts.


We all have our family. Whether its blood, adopted, long time friends, or (if you are fortunate enough to be in an organization like mine) a work family. These are the people that you can always lean on when times have you down to bring your spirits back up. Even when they cannot, a good ear to listen to all your thoughts is, sometimes, the best thing a person can do for you. In my personal story...I have my blood family, I have a group of long time friends that I can call on, and I have a group of individuals that I work and volunteer with that I can always call on when I need to talk or to pick me back up from the dark hole that I sometimes seem to find myself in. We all must have these people in our lives, no matter who they are. Without people like this in our lives, it can get lonely. I am so thankful that I have had and still have some of these individuals in my life that I can rely on, and that can rely on me.

Back in the saddle

The break from the fire department was a decent one. I was able to sleep at night and do anything I wanted on my days off without worrying whether I was going to miss something fun. I still had my equipment, never did understand how they would know whether I had it or not. I figured that when I made my decision whether or not I was going along with this new direction, I would take care of the gear then. I still even had a radio mounted in my truck, although it was never on. Mostly, I was resting myself from an apparent injury I had sustained helping my father move from one house to another. In his infinite wisdom, he felt that the two of us could man-handle a couch that weighed as much as a horse rather than allowing me to call for some help. I suppose he felt a little guilty about my back troubles, cause he never asked about them until I was fixed...a year and a half later. About a week before the business meeting was to take place, I still had not decided whether or not I was joining the new fire department. It was a chilly, rainy day in October. I was driving into town to run an errand when I saw one of the fire trucks clear a traffic light on the way to a call. I realized 2 things that day. 1, firefighting is in my life..simple as that. 2, I would not know where this new direction would take me if I didn't try it for myself. I had finally decided to give the Chief, the new department, and the new direction a shot and see how it went. I was placed on roster a few days later with my year of service carried over and status as driver. I would lose my seniority due to the fact that this was a completely new department to me and there were those that had more time in than I had, but that didn't stop me from doing my job.

It took some time, but we all seemed to find a groove for us all to work in. We formed as a team and actually worked really well together, much to my surprise. We went from 3 separate departments of roughly 20 to 30 members each to a single department of roughly 70 to 80 members. To maintain the proper span of control and keep EVERYTHING off of the Chief's shoulders as they traditionally would be, we formed battalions with individual responsibilities. Each battalion had a battalion chief, a captain, and either one or two lieutenants. I was assigned to the maintenance battalion, not sure why since I know absolutely zero about truck maintenance, but I didn't argue. I wasn't fighting many house fires due to the condition of my back getting worse. I mainly drove the trucks and operated the pumps. I would fight the occasional woods fires, but never put on an air mask and walked into a house. Sometimes, it killed me, but I kept the thought that it was better for everyone if I stayed out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had gotten someone hurt because of my condition. I was proving myself, however, to be much more of an asset than to just put water on fire. The officers were noticing that I put forth more effort than some of the others would. I took this time to familiarize myself with the trucks acquired by the department in the merger that I had never driven before. Even though sitting killed me sometimes, I powered through the pain to do what was necessary. I had been through 2 failed tries at relationships and was in no real hurry to be disappointed again. Then out of nowhere, like it always comes, I happened to notice she was single..just not completely. She was a tiny concoction of sugar, spices, and other various personality seasonings baked into this bubbly personality and voice at every meeting. Yep, I was interested in a girl at the station. From the very beginning, it was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I don't particularly care for coasters, they make me sick. So this was ultimately not for me. Fact of the matter was, I was single, in every sense of the word. Until I was actually serious with someone, I was going to do as I pleased. Although it wasn't like anything was working out for me in that department anyway. My schedule didn't help matters because I had been transferred back to night shift a few months prior so day shift could train new hires, I had been promised my spot back as soon as training was complete. I learned never to believe a promise from anyone in government work.

What did keep coming back and forth was a sweet little country thing from the next town over. She was everything that I had ever wanted and more. I worked on her for months, but could never seem to motivate her enough to be mine, maybe she never wanted to be. Assuming there was no interest, I moved on. There was this social website that my friend had turned me onto called Myyearbook. I had been a member for quite some time, only active when I was looking for someone to waste time with..which only resulted in failed attempts. I would find girls on there, however, who I would meet, take out, and develop a wonderful friendship with. To this day, I'm still friends with most of them. I had reached the point where I was tired of working straight nights. I was ready for a new trade, a closer location, and a new opportunity. I applied as a corrections officer in the city to the south of where I lived, close to the beach. I had plenty of good words going for me, so I was almost sure I'd get the job. At the end of may, I got formally offered the position. I put in my two weeks at my current department and said my goodbyes. It definitely wasn't an easy thing to do. A couple of days after my last shift, my little sister became a married woman. To this day, I'm still not used to it. That night, I got to dance with one of the prettiest girls in the building, other than my little girl. Again, the little country thing was around again, making her moves and making it look like we would one day be an item. Once again, I believed it, but the dance was nice. A couple days after the wedding, I started work at my new police department

Training for this job would be easy, I already knew half of it. My field training flew by and was offered high honor by my training officer. The building was small, but it served it's purpose, barely. I was still battling back problems and they seemed to be getting worse. People were starting to really notice too. Essentially, I was a city police officer, but I only had certain authority, which seemed to change from month to month. Whatever. With this new trade, I had new state training to attend. I was scheduled for C.O. class in mid August. The night before I was due in class, I was in bed in whatever position seemed to be comfortable. I woke up in the early hours and couldn't seem to get comfortable enough to fall back to sleep. In an attempt to roll over, I twisted around. That's when I felt and heard a pop in my back. Pain shot all down my lower back and right leg. I couldn't move, it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I figured maybe it would go away after some time and that I had aggravated it somehow. I attempted to relieve some pain and pressure by laying on the living room couch since it had worked very well before. Even the most comfortable surface in the house was of no comfort. I was out of options, I couldn't stay like that. Lets go back a bit, the pain in my back was just enough that laughing, sneezing, coughing, running, and even yelling made it worse. Yelling for help was no option. Luckily, I had my phone. It sounds completely dumb, but the only way I could get my sister's attention was to call her....from the living room. After having to be carried to the car, which hurt like hell, we were off to the hospital. An x-ray (which did nothing) and shot of Demerol later, I was on my way back home. The next day, I asked my doctor's nurse to send me a steroid to take away the inflammation, making rehab easier. 2 days later, I was up, walking around, taking out the trash, and letting the dogs out to the bathroom. Life had returned for me. The police department wasn't too happy that I skipped out on class, but slightly understood the reason. Although, they didn't seem to happy about that either.

After a week out with no pay, I returned to work ready to take on the job..again. Rehab was going OK, although, that stuff is expensive. I had to pay for the rehab on my own since my insurance had not yet kicked in. I was using the money I had been paid by my previous job from accrued vacation and sick leave I had not used. Once the money ran out, I could no longer attend rehab. The good news was that I felt a ton better. I was in no more pain and my movement had tremendously increased. I was back to normal. I was ready to start fighting fire again, but because I had put myself on medical leave, I had to get a letter from the doctor saying that I was well enough to perform my duties. I know that the specialist wasn't going to recommend me for full duty since I had forgot to follow up with him and I was unable to complete rehab. What now? I was able to convince my lieutenant and the Chief to allow me to return to light duty until I could get a note from the doctor. I was allowed back on calls as a driver and in a support function only. Not really what I wanted , but I'd take it. Work was going well, I was making myself an asset to my shift lieutenant and my officers. It wasn't an easy job by any stretch, no matter what the description read. I was able to be rescheduled for class in September so off to jail school I went. Of course, it was time for the little country thing to peep in again. I was beginning to feel like a George Straight song "thought I was doing fine, about to get you off my mind. I see your face and then I'm wrapped around your pretty little finger again". Enough said. My work shift and I began to grow closer as the days went on. It made me feel better to get text messages and posts on Facebook asking me when I was coming back to work. Apparently, I was such an asset in the shift that they couldn't stand when I went away for any length of time.

I was growing tired of the constant on and off business that was transpiring with little southern. What made it worse was that she was now working with me. It became blatantly obvious that she was out to date around. I was pulled aside by one of my guys and told that I needed to make my move or someone else was likely to slide in to my place. He was not subtle in the way that he said that there was some shady badges in the building. I was not surprised at all, it seemed to me that almost everyone that carried a badge and a radio (police or fire) was a little shady. What I was quick to learn was that it wasn't necessarily the badges that were shady, but if the female is convinced that she's going to do the single thing, she's going to move around with whoever she wants. I eventually got tired of waiting around for her to make up her mind and went my own way. This usually made her ask why I was so distance. Women! School was over, time to get back on shift, work must go on. In a very odd set of circumstances, I was able to reconnect with an old friend that I had lost touch with for a very long time. We spent hours catching up, which calmed her nerves from the position that she found herself in. Working in the jail, you tend to hear a lot of head shaking comments. I can remember releasing someone one afternoon, and as we were walking out, I heard someone shout "ey bro, hit me up on facebook!". I was a very popular jailer in my city. My name moved around quickly. I was described as an honest, fair, and cool officer. It wasn't that hard, all I did was treat them as people. If they acted like they were supposed to, they were treated as though the bars didn't separate us. I would stand in the hall way each day for about 5 minutes and have a conversation with those in the cells. Usually, I was already there doing a check. What most people in the jail setting don't understand, these are people too. Lock yourself in a room without the things you're used to on a daily basis, it will mess with your head. Sometimes, these people just want a little conversation. I have been able to stop a jail protest before by talking those that were about to protest down. I had more compliance on my shift than anyone else in our corner, and not one rule was broken. Not all that walked through those doors wanted things smooth, some just wanted to push back. That don't work. I learned a lot there. I learned about brotherhood, family, society, crime, and the importance of meal planning.

Not that I was really expecting anything out of it, regardless of all the sweet little words she was saying, but I happened to be noticing that little southern had gotten with one of the detectives in the department. Even though we were never going to be an item in my mind, we were still very good friends. Having her hide this from me bothered me as both a friend, and as the guy that had her sitting at his house only a couple weeks prior eating dinner. I say again, Women! Speaking of women, I didn't let the roller coaster of the female mindset keep me from exploring my other options, especially in this case. I found myself attracted to a sweet, young, college student from a couple towns over. We had been talking as friends for quite a few months, even joking about meeting one day. I had met her on the Myyearbook website I had for a long time. After some time and work, I was able to get her to agree to go on a dinner date with me in Mobile. Between losing track of time, waiting until the last minute, and taking a detour to my friend at the other police department, I was cruising through Ms to make it to mobile on time. We met at the Olive Garden. She had one of the prettiest faces I had ever seen, she was well mannered, soft spoken, had a sweet voice, and dressed with class. She was a keeper. After we ate, we decided to go see a movie, I don't remember exactly which one. She actually felt safe enough with me, at this point, to ride along with me to the movie. I had a hand from my friend at the other police department though. Afterwards, I drove her back to her car which was in the parking lot of the Olive Garden still. We stayed and talked in the parking lot until 1 in the morning. I had rang in my birthday on a date with a great girl, I couldn't have asked for better at the time. We had a few more dates after that, which usually lasted until at least midnight. I guess we just enjoyed each other's company that much.

I was still on light duty with the fire dept, unable to fight any structures, but offered my driving skills and woods fire experience where I could. I continued to rack my brain, trying to find a way to get a doctor's note to return to regular duty. I wanted back. For years, I had always wanted a traditional style helmet. Christmas of '11, my mother surprised me with one for Christmas. I couldn't use it for a while, but it would be ready for when I could! I couldn't wait to take it in with me. I was still seeing the girl from my birthday, and shortly after new years, I decided to try taking a step further. Everything seemed to be working, although, she was quite a bit younger than I was and it was definitely present in her actions. I'm not exactly sure what motivated me to make the move, because we had very little in common when it came to interests, music, and personality. She was a good girl though. The ones that leave, generally will come back, they always come back. Who decided to pop her head back in and try to occupy her spare time, yep! Clearly though, she picked the wrong time to figure her mess out because she was too late. Clearly whatever motivated me to make the move to the current girlfriend wasn't enough for me to stay, because it only lasted a month. I became single again, Back on the hunt!! I turned my social focus back to Myyearbook, cause its worked so well before.
Although, it was no worse than the way I met one of the hottest blondes in town! That was sure fun while it lasted, but I knew that there was no way she would want anymore to do with me than a secret fun thing. Back on the fire side. One night, while going out to dinner with family, my aunt chased me down the street to tell me that smoke was coming from a house that sat behind ours. I immediately radioed my brother in law, who was a firefighter with us, and told him what I was told. He confirmed that a fire had, in fact, been set inside of an unoccupied house. Fire department's fastest time ever, Immediate and on foot!!

No matter when, no matter where...your fire department is ready to run off, at the drop of a hat. Leaving dinner on the table, family at home, and fear on the truck. These brave men and women fight what you fear day in and day out. Some of these men and women do all of this for no pay at all, just like I do. When you see these folks in the streets, take a second to thank them for what they do, you never know when a simple "thank you" will make their day.

The winds of change

Well, as if me being back in the fire department hadn't made her mad enough, but apparently me taking the PD job without talking to her first made it worse. 

.....Yeah, if you recall the last chapter, I was unemployed for about 2 months. I pretty much told her to get over it, it was income. 

Back at the old fire station, we were running quite a bit of calls, mostly woods fires and grass fires. Since I had radio experience from the fire dept, I was cruising through my training program at the police department. The only real things I had to learn was about the aspect of call taking and booking. Even those were coming easy to me. A few weeks into the job, I was able to rent a moving truck and load up all of our necessary items to move south. Because we had put everything into staying afloat and moving, we were unable to secure a place of our own, and since no one in my Ms family had room for the three of us, I secured a room for us with my mother until we could get our own. It was only a couple weeks before my girlfriend found a job in a law office as a secretary, which was what she was doing before we moved. Between the two of us, we were making a substantial amount more money than we were up north. That was a bright side to the situation, so had that going for us. 

It was told to me that I may possibly be going on a permanent night shift once my training was done. It wasn't an ideal situation, but it would keep me paid and I would have the chance to switch shifts later on if someone left. My girlfriend wasn't happy at all that I would be working a night shift. Even when I explained that this is what needs to happen to keep money in the bank, she was still upset that I would be gone at night. She would have to get over that, I was taking care of my family. It wasn't like that argument was the last one though. It seemed like we were arguing about something every other day; work, money, the fire dept, my sleep schedule, or whatever else seemed to be bothering her that day. My training had finished and I had picked up some extra hours with my new schedule on night shift. The money was coming in, but it always seemed to be going out just as fast. This wouldn't dawn on me more until later. After 3 months of staying at my mother's, she was getting a little overwhelmed with my girlfriend's attitude toward my little brother and how she was treating me in general. Mom was pushing for us to find our own place so that tensions could calm down. Somehow, after 3 months, we still were nowhere near able to get our own place. Where was the money going? Finally, I had enough of the arguing between her and I, and her and my brother. I came in one night and informed her that I could not be in this relationship any longer, but that I would help her in any way I could to find her a place and even help her pay for it. Of course, she was not pleased to hear that I was out, but after a couple of days, she was OK with me helping with an apartment. I stood by my word and helped her look in the safe areas of town while keeping distance and my response time in mind in case she needed my help for anything. 

It didn't take long for her to actually realize that this breakup was for real and that I would not be returning. At this point, she turned bitter, angry, and vengeful. In one of our last phone conversations, she told me that she didn't need nor want any of my help and if I didn't want to be with her, that she would be moving back to her home town and taking our daughter with her. No argument that I made had any any influence on her decision, and within 2 weeks, they were gone. My mother had already informed me that once my girlfriend was gone, I would need to find somewhere for myself as well. Since it was obvious that she was not going to let me see my daughter unless I drove the 3 hours to her house, I decided that I would store the things that I had left in my mother's shed and I would stay between my grandparent's house and the fire station. Since no one was staying on the north side of our area, I figured I would provide a service by staying and running calls during the day. It seemed to be working well for me. Then, it began again, I was on the girl hunt!!! It wasn't that I was looking for a new girlfriend, I was just looking for a pretty face to hang around with. This was around the time of Facebook popularity. Once again, I was behind on the times, but I decided to give it a shot. 

After years of waiting and hoping, we had finally acquired the land and our new fire station was going up nicely. Being back in my home area, I was back to being a senior firefighter. Here again, the fire Chief wanted to make me an officer due to my experience and professionalism. Our board of directors, however, blocked every opportunity he attempted because I did not meet the required time in the department. This didn't stop me from doing my job or going above and beyond the call of duty. After all, I was back protecting my community. All of the other departments had gone to 24 hour shifts for the paid firemen except for ours due to the station being so small and severely outdated. Once the new station was complete, the shifts would start. I was on my way to getting my life back on track in the weeks following my breakup, my skills at work were improving, and I had been spending time with a woman from the past. I had never dated her before, but she was close with my fiancé and I as myself and her fiancé had been in the fire department together. We all seemed to break up at the same time and the two of us needed some positive in our lives. 

It started out harmless at movies, lunch, and random joyrides. It grew as time went on with the growing of attractions. I couldn't help it, she was sweet to me, she did things for me even when I didn't ask for them or want her to do them, she helped me through some of the tough times I was having at that point, and you couldn't help but like her personality. We finally grew into a couple, and I was happy once again. I was still staying between the fire station and my grandparent's, but my sister and her boyfriend (long time friend and brother firefighter) had extended the offer of a spare room once their house was complete. I had gained some medical training and the trust of most of the paramedics in our area, enough assist one of our paid firefighters, who happened to be an EMT, on medical calls. I had ran medical calls on children before, but now being a father, calls involving children became slightly difficult. It is especially difficult when the child cannot tell you what's wrong, or their parents have made conditions in their home harmful to their child. These types of scenes stay in your mind most of your career. 

While waiting for my sister's house to be completed, my newly acquired girlfriend asked me to come live with her until the house was finished. She hated the idea of me staying at the fire station, so I decided to move in with her to her newly acquired apartment. 

Even though the transition from new boyfriend to live in boyfriend was a quick one, the situation still wasn't as bad as you might think. We took very good care of each other, and while there were things that I didn't care for about the way she kept house, she was getting out on her own just like I was, so there was some learning to do. She was a member of the bigger department that I used to be with, which ran mutual aid with us, so she was able to go on calls and ride in the trucks with me. After a few months at the police department, I was presented with the opportunity to swap days and nights with one of the day shift dispatchers. This would be a nice change of pace and a chance to be on a normal schedule, I scooped it up quickly. Getting up at 5 took a lot of getting used to, I was RIGHT on time a lot. I never figured out why, but there were times when my alarm would not go off and they would be looking for me at 630 in the morning. Whoops!! I couldn't afford to let that happen anymore. To remedy this problem, I set my alarm for 430 every morning whether I worked or not. If I was off, I would just turn it off and go back to sleep. I have to admit, it was rather nice to have someone to kiss goodbye when I left for work again. 

A couple of months after moving in the apartment with my girlfriend, we were only a few minor steps away from the house being finished. We enlisted a group of firemen from each of the stations to help us take care of what we needed to in order to complete the inspection. Free lunch and beer go a long way. Before we knew it, it was moving day. The new girlfriend would come stay with me in the new house just as I would go stay at the apartment with her, this seemed to work for awhile. Sitting at work one day, I received a call from a deputy sheriff telling me he had paperwork to deliver me. Having very little contact with the sheriffs department, I was more than curious to know what kind of paperwork he had for me. The deputy handed me an envelope, greeted me, and then said his farewell. I opened the envelope to find a subpoena for family court and papers for child custody. Seriously?? Not enough decency to talk about it between the two of us first? Guess its time for a lawyer, like I had the money for that. I guess it's easy to take someone to court when you don't pay rent, a vehicle note, and you work for the lawyer representing you. Oh well, what can you do, right? On to the battle we go! I suppose my fight was easier than some. We were able to settle out of court after a couple of months at the last possible day. I didn't really win much of the fight in terms of what was fair, but I was able to keep the lawyer fees down for the time being. The one thing that disappointed me was that the hearing ended up being continued until after Christmas, to which I was told that if I wanted to see my daughter, I would have to drive up north to her mother's house. This wouldn't be the first of her attacks on me either. January 2010, papers were signed and I was able to exercise my parental rights as a non custodial father, which sucks by the way. The first couple of visits went as expected, most of my time was consumed with driving since the judge ordered me to pick my daughter up and drop her off at her mothers house, 2 and a half hours away. I know I have it better than some, but the parents always meet half way, at least. Some people just take all that they want to I suppose. As always, winter means woods fires from people clearing dead land for the spring and kids playing with fireworks. It also means drunken accidents from social gatherings around new years and after Christmas. Once again, I will say that we, firemen, sometimes do dumb shit. Give us things that explode, fireworks for example, and you can multiply those chances. That night, we responded to a call just after midnight. Dispatch told us of some circumstances that turned out not to be true. I'm not sure why I went, but I decided to go. Walking up, I was stopped by a 7 foot deputy sheriff that asked me with a firm voice, "you cant come past here without medical training, are you medically trained?" Why yes I am! The second officer I encountered was attempting to gain a pulse on the neck. He looks up at me and says, "I can't find a pulse, I think we should start CPR". I bent down to feel his wrist. Awe, bless your little heart, you were in the wrong spot. That's OK, we'll take it from here. It was at this point that I realized this person was not suffering from what dispatch had told us had happened. Off with the clothes! Upon arrival of the paramedics, one of them knelt down to us and says "I have a helicopter 15 minutes out, you guys think you could find a landing zone for it in that time?" I looked up to him, and without missing a beat, "In 15 minutes, I'll have you an LZ picked out, set up, road blocked off, and bottled water ready for each of you." Off I went.
As promised, everything was in place, including the water. My girlfriend always supported me as a firefighter and encouraged my persistence to be a leader. That night, while watching me set up the landing zone, she tells me that she can really see my passion in this, it's obvious that I'm in my element when things are crazy. She told me that she felt that my leadership skills were growing even though I was doing a great job at it now. The compliments were greatly appreciated, but they never really sank in for quite some time.

On my third or fourth visit with my daughter, I left the coast at the same time I always did, leaving enough time for me to get to her mother's house by the hour I was allowed to pick her up. When I arrived, I noticed that her car was not in the driveway, so I decided to wait. I figured she would be along shortly, no big deal. My ex lived in an area that had poor cell phone reception, so making a call to her was out of the question when she still hadn't shown up after 30 minutes. When an hour had passed, I drove over to a spot that I knew would have cell phone reception to attempt to call and find out where she was. It was then that I realized the cell phone had been disconnected....Interesting. I decided to go back to the house and wait some more, maybe they would show up. After 3 hours had passed, I began to backtrack her route from work, making sure that she had not broken down or been involved in an accident on the way home. I placed calls to law enforcement in the areas in an attempt to make sure they had no record of either. They were helpful, but had no record. Once my trace was finished, I returned to her house thinking that she may have made it back by then. At 4 hours of waiting, one of the members of her family pulled up to investigate the vehicle sitting in the dark driveway. When he realized who I actually was, he attempted to help me find my daughter. I suspected he had an ulterior motive shortly after he initiated his call to his wife by the lack of information that he suddenly had and his eagerness to leave, but I couldn't prove he knew anything more. I bid my farewell and he left. When the clock struck 11, I knew for sure that she wouldn't be coming. I was overcome with multiple emotions. I felt hurt and angry in every form. Because she lived outside the city, I had to drive the 20 minutes into town and speak with a deputy sheriff who, then, made me fill out my own incident report by hand. This dude is serious? Had I known I would have to fill out my own report, I wouldn't have called you here, I would have done it and left it with your dispatcher. Then, I reminded myself where I was.

It was midnight, I was tired, I was hungry, I was angry, and I was hurt. I had been sitting in my truck for 9 hours and still had 3 left to drive. I decided to stop at a waffle house on the way home to eat and stretch my legs. I contemplated getting a hotel room since I was still almost an hour away from home and it was already early in the morning. I decided against it after the waitresses, in their own night shift entertainment, picked my spirits up a bit and decided to push through and go on home to my own bed. The next morning, I was woken up early to a surprise breakfast that my girlfriend had brought me from IHOP. As sweet as she was, and as much as she knew how I liked french toast, I could hardly eat. I downed what I could and then laid back down to sleep. Thankfully, I didn't spend the rest of my day alone. I had decided that on Monday, I would go to the lawyer's office and file paperwork for contempt of court. Part of me wanted her to pay for what she had done, but then I started thinking. I asked myself, would the court actually do anything to her? Would she just be warned and sent on her way? What good would that do? Even if they did do something to her, would that deter her from doing something else later on? It's in my experience that a mother has to do something severe for the court to inflict any punishment upon her. Usually, It's a slap on the wrist and everyone goes about their business. Why did I just pay a lawyer another $1,500 for this BS? I ultimately decided to build a case against her for when she decided to do something else drastic. Believe me, this wasn't the first time. I finally got my phone call back from her a week later. When asked why she wasn't home for me to pick my daughter up, she replied "I was at mommas and my phone was dead. You also didn't provide me with a schedule for this month as we agreed." I call BS. I'm pretty sure she knew I was off, wanted our daughter to herself, found a way to get away with taking her to a place that I wouldn't check, turned off her phone, and waited until she knew I would already be back home. But, lets back track a little.  I work what is called a "panama rotation". It's a pretty common schedule among 12 hour shift work. It is a systematic 2 2 3 rotation. I would work 2 to 3 days at a time and switch days each week. This rotation allowed me to have every other weekend off and 2 off days in the beginning or middle of the week. Once you map out my schedule, it's very easy to predict, especially when you only have to worry about weekends. It still wasn't enough to place punishment on her, so I waited. The next few weekends went on without any incident. That wasn't always the case though. We have had quite a few knock down-drag outs in the yard and over the phone. She has threatened to bring me back to court for more money and less rights, just like a vengeful woman.

It became quite apparent to me that the girl I was dating was falling in love. If you know what to look for, it's not hard to spot. I was convinced that if I had asked her to marry me, she would have accepted without hesitation. It may not have been bad either. After all, she took great care of me, she cared for my daughter and I deeply, my family seemed to enjoy her, and she was sweet as could be. What was the problem then, Will?? My problem was that I did not feel the same way and felt that it was not fair to her to have all her emotions invested in me for me not to be able to return them. She has been one of the women that I've regretted breaking the heart of, but after careful thought, I felt that it was what had to be done. I was single again. Fire life hadn't changed, we were still answering multiple calls during the week and awaiting the completion of our new station. The paid firemen of our department were able to convince the fire district to allow them to begin 24 hour shifts in the current station if they agreed to be OK with the station conditions for the time being. God bless them, cause we all knew it wasn't even close to being great. I had been back for a year now, I had finally made the minimum time requirement to be an officer.....after the Chief had filled all the officer spots. Oh well, that still didn't keep me from doing my job. I would be running for it in the next election though, believe that. The spring of 10 brought new friendships and adventures my way that continued into the summer. Our fire station was in the finishing stages and we were working tirelessly to improve our fire rating. We were getting rumor that the 2 departments south of us were planning a merger on mutual terms. They were working a deal out with the fire district to approve the merger with some financial stipulations, which seemed to be going smoothly. We were all ecstatic at the final opening of our new station. Finally, we had more room to move around it, more room to store trucks, and finally something new for us in quite a few years. It wasn't ours for long, however. At the beginning of August, we were informed that all 3 departments would be merged into 1 under the leadership of the Chief of the most southern department. This would all take place on the 1st of September. We were all shocked and upset. The department we were all busting our ass to move forward and improve was about to be the victim of a hostel takeover by the fire district. We were not, at all, optimistic. I, myself, began to debate whether I wanted to be a part of this merger or if it was time for me to go on elsewhere. I had heard things about the Chief in the past, giving me a bad opinion of him. I wasn't sure I wanted him as my leader. Not like I would have a choice. The county had also informed us that on the first day of the merger, only that departments members would be able to answer calls in the new response area. This almost made it worse. We couldn't even fight fire in our own community because of this. I debated for the entire month, talking to various fire chiefs about joining their departments and considering a move. I hated that all of my hard work and effort would now be erased and overlooked even more with a larger department than the one I had now. There was to be a special business meeting by the new fire department a couple days after the merge to install the existing members into the new department. It would be a month after that before anyone else could be voted in. Midnight on the last day...I still had no clue what I was going to do. I was still pessimistic about the changes and couldn't find the good in the situation. One thing was for sure, at 1 minute after midnight...I turned off my radio. I was no longer a fireman.

You don't realize how much something is a part of your life until it isn't a part anymore. You don't realize how much you love something until it's not around. This goes for most things of merit in your life, a woman, a hobby, family, friends, or just the small things in life that we all take for granted from time to time. We must remind ourselves of the little things in life that mean more than we give them credit. Don't lose sight of the little things.

Change of plans

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to put away his childish dreams, his childish ways, and his childish state of mind. For me, that began with the start of family, marriage, and kids talks. I had begun to look at things from a whole new perspective, looking forward to a real life. I was rather enjoying where everything was going. We held my girlfriend's party on the night before her actual birthday, so we had to wait until midnight to be able to go to the bar. We walked in the door at the stroke of midnight and proceeded to have ourselves a good time. We weren't rowdy, we weren't being stupid, we were just having a few drinks, celebrating a birthday, and slow dancing when applicable. I never realized how big of a pain in the ass that wedding planning was until I actually had a hand in doing it. At one point, I simply said "You show me what you like, and we will work towards making it happen". Our deal was that I took care of me, my side of the line, And that I would offer my opinion on food, music, places, alcohol, and guests. Everything concerning her side of the line and how the place looked was up to her. I even told her that she could pick out the photographer, I didn't need much input on that part. She was better at photography that I was anyway. 

Life seemed to be looking up for me. I was climbing the ladder and it looked better and better the higher I went. There was no greater feeling than for me to hear myself introduce her as my fiancé, and hearing my mother introduce her as her new daughter. We had set a date a little over a year away. The problem was, it was right near the end of hurricane season, so we were hoping that we wouldn't get screwed over anywhere near our wedding date.  After the initial excitement of getting engaged and wedding planning had leveled off, we realized that we had differences of opinion when it came down to what marriage was and how to conduct ourselves as a couple about to be married. To that day, I still wonder if she had ever left the single mindset, or if her past life had led her to believe that certain things were acceptable. We often fought over conduct as an engaged couple due to the fact of men who were still mixed into our relationship. I began to realize that I had sworn off all females in my life, probably out of guilt or pressure, and there were still men on her side who, I believe, we're trying to slide in my place. I had a feeling that we were about to be doomed when she stated to me, one night before bed, that marriage was a piece of paper in her mind. I couldn't believe it, a woman that could not recite the meaning of marriage by heart, but rather it was nothing more than a piece of paper to her. 

Fighting fire in Alabama was different, but I learned to embrace the differences and how they helped my perspective overall. I did my job, very well in fact. I tried my hardest to be as much of an asset to the department as I could. I still wanted to make officer, even if it wasn't with one of my home departments. That doesn't go to say that I didn't occasionally do dumb shit and getting trouble, because I did. I would just like to point out that, in all my years of fighting fire, I have never been in trouble for a major offense. Everything that I have ever been in trouble for was minor and petty. The department that I was on in Alabama was much similar to the department I was originally from in Mississippi. We had roughly 20 members on roster, but only 5 or 10 would actually respond to calls. There were times I found myself being the only one putting the fire out. If I was lucky, I had a couple of rookies that tagged along with me and was able to let them take care of business, thus earning them experience. That didn't bother me one bit, I got to be the boss and they got to play with the fire and earn experience. 

Somewhere between her own interest and the firemen from the department we were originally with, my fiancé decided that she wanted to become a career firefighter. The thought, at first, intrigued me. Being a loving husband to be, I supported her decision and encouraged her training. I tried to encourage her to follow me into the department that I was presently with in Alabama, but she wasn't ready to let go of the one in Mississippi just yet. I never figured out why. It did bother me a bit when her time in training outweighed quality time between the two of us, But I still wanted to be a supportive husband to be for her, so I just decided to bury it. What would bother me even more, was when the firemen from the county department in Mississippi, as well as the city department that she frequented were beginning to creep into our life a little bit more. There was now a deeper strain in our relationship due to the circumstances that were presenting themselves at the time. Ultimately, the position was given to a mutual friend of ours that had quite a bit more experience than she did, and was more familiar with the area he would be working in then she was. Not all that disappointed, she turned her focus back to nursing. I had always supported her being a nurse, after all, I still think I have a thing for women in scrubs. Our relationship was still on the rocks, but it didn't seem questionable at the time. After three months of being engaged, my fiancé came to me one night and informed me that she wanted to move back home, with her grandparents, so that she could pursue her nursing degree without the worry of bills that would be associated with a house together. I tried to reverse her decision by offering to take on extra work in order to keep up the bills so that she could focus more on her education than trying to make sure things got paid. She denied my offer, saying that she could not ask me to work so much and not be able to see her or spend time with her. As a good man, you feel compelled to make sure your loved ones are taken care of as much as possible. This is exactly what I was attempting to do. I learned a lesson that night, when a woman has made up her mind to do something, there is nothing in this world that can get her to change it. The best advice I can give you is to let whatever decision she has made play out. If it works out for her, you two were either never meant to be, or you are destined to follow in a path that leads you right back to her. If it doesn't work out, depending on how you were as a man, you may have a chance at her coming back. In my situation, she had her mind made up and she was moving out whether or not I supported her. Following conversations over the next couple of weeks, I found myself to no longer be an engaged man. I felt as if I had just lost my entire world. 

Working in the warehouse had its good points and it's bad points. It was good in the sense that I had plenty of hiding spots that I could go and let my emotions out before going back to work. It was bad in the sense that, while I was on delivery, I was alone the entire time. Me being alone and having a mind full of thoughts has never been a good thing. We were still talking as though we were still together, but I think that was only to ease the sting of what was to come. Little did I know that one of the last nights we had together after our disengagement would be the last time I ever wrapped my arms around her. It didn't take long for me to get word that her real intentions for moving back home and breaking off our engagement had surfaced, and that my fears that I had in the beginning were being realized again. I don't think she was ever interested in going back to school, it's my belief that she wanted to be single again, and that's the only way she could pass it off to me where I may be okay with it. Her days would be spent at work and her nights would be spent at parties, bars, and clubs. I knew then what a man with a broken heart felt like. A broken heart can be one of the most destructive things in a persons life. Your body and mind together are both affected as well as your judgment. What made things worse was when I found out that the firemen I had been hearing about were part of this new lifestyle. I didn't have to inquire about her actions, they were the topic of conversations in every group imaginable within the fire service. For me, Betrayal reached a level I never thought I would see. I felt as though I couldn't trust anyone in the fire service, not even the people I fought fire with in Alabama. The high that I have been on for so long had quickly turn and took a pitfall. I had never felt this way in my life. I made a few rash decisions where my judgment had been affected, a few of them nearly putting me in the hospital. No way was I in any shape to fight fire neither physically, emotionally, or mentally. My head seemed to be spinning at 1000 miles an hour, I didn't know where to turn for guidance, help, or just someone to vent on. Finally, I turned to a very dear friend that I had known for a very long time in order to get my mind off of my present circumstances. It was this experience that brings  me to the belief that sometimes, all a person needs is someone to listen. After four hours of venting, talking, and listening to suggestions of changes I needed to make in my life, I left their home and was able to sit down and eat a complete meal for the first time in weeks. My energy began to come back because I was eating more, my mindset was beginning to slowly improve, and I begin to learn to deal with the fact that this was going to be it, I was on my own from there on out. 

None of this had deterred me at all from attempting one last ditch effort to get the girl that I loved so much to return to my arms. My attempt had ultimately failed, which didn't make me feel any better, but opened my eyes even more to the fact that it was over and was unlikely to regain. I hadn't felt that alone since I was a little boy. This gave me a little inspiration to turn my life around, which is what I did. If you remember, in the beginning, I dropped out of high school at the age of 17. I never made any mention of gaining my GED, because up until then, I hadn't. I left school in May 2003, in September 2008...I received my GED with above average scores. I knew that this would open the doors for me among the other skills and attributes I had acquired over the years. Finally, I had accomplished something in life

Just before my recent ex fiancé  had given me word that she was going to leave, I was approached by my aunt who informed me of something in my past that I wasn't aware of. As I said before, I had a feeling that we were doomed, and I knew then, more than ever, that it was soon to come.  I had put off investigating whether the claim of my past was true or not until I was certain of whether she would be leaving or not. When I finally had my answer, I immediately text the number that I had memorized from my past to investigate the claim that was being made. As it turned out, I had an 18-month-old daughter that I wasn't aware of until then. Not that my situation had improved with this information, but I had to now switch my focus to make a plan to be a father. I knew that having separated parents was no way for a child to grow up, so it was my plan to be together as a family with her mother in order to give my daughter the family that she deserved. She wasn't opposed to the idea, but the introductions to family had to be taken care of first.  The mother and I had previously dated, so my family was used to her, but this would be the first time that my family would be able to meet the daughter I apparently had. 

All initial things, after a brief period of exchanging information and  explanations, had gone well between the two of us and we were in agreement that being a family may be what was best. All we had to do was just decide whether it he would be on the coast, or a little farther north, where she lived. In the meantime, I had gone back to fighting fire in my spare time. I went back with a clear head, open eyes, feet on the ground, and incident success at heart. It didn't last long before I was already contemplating a move farther north of my home. We had decided that since a living situation had already been secured where she was currently staying, that it would be best if we attempted to work things out where she was. I agreed with her because, honestly, I needed to get away from the coast for a while. She just happened to be related to the Fire Chief of the community where we would be living and he had told me multiple times before that it would be no problem getting me on the fire department. I packed my stuff and was on my way north within a few weeks. Maybe it was bad luck of the draw or that I had bad timing, but I happened to pick a moving date during a hurricane. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I never claimed not to do dumb shit. 

I've already lined up a job working on the natural gas pipelines before I moved. My job would be clearcutting the pipeline right of ways per federal regulations and the company's need to see down the line in the case of leaks. The pay was decent enough, I wouldn't have to drive that far to get to work, and the summertime overtime I was looking at look very promising. Being in the fire service for almost 5 years, I thought that my original department was the most country that I would ever see in my life, I was about to be proven wrong. Keep in mind that I come from an area that runs roughly 300 calls per year. These people are probably lucky to see 200 per year. If they even see that. I ran one call the entire four months I was there, We probably only had four.  Where I lived, as far as the eye can see, it was hayfields and cow pastures. The wide open spaces provided quiet, beautiful scenery. They also provided isolation and emptiness. It took four months for me to realize that being this far away from civilization sucks. 

Late 2009/early 2010 brought snow to where we lived, which kept me from being able to work. No work, no pay. It seemed only temporary until constant winter rains kept work delayed. I couldn't be out of work that long, so I attempted to find employment around town. The town where I had moved was not economically up to where I was used to on the coast. I could work less jobs and make the same amount of money on the coast as opposed to living where I was. My girlfriend and I finally had a talk and decided that trying the coast out would be a financially smart move for us since we could both make more money. We agreed that once I found a job on the coast, we would move down and stay with family until she found a job and we could secure a place for us. I was firm, however, that if I could not find employment anywhere by February, I would be going back to the coast to rush the employment field. She either didn't believe me or hoped that I would find something before then, because when February 1st hit, I was coast bound. A week after I arrived on the coast, I began to become extremely bored and restless sitting around my grandparents house all day waiting for an interview call. I had to find something to do in my spare time, something that would earn me contacts around the coast. 

My girlfriend was not at all pleased to find out that I had reapplied to my original community fire department. I couldn't very well sit around all day waiting for a phone call telling me that I had an interview, nor could I sit around up there waiting for her to get home so we could play house. I needed to stay active, I needed to do something with my spare time that was constructive and positive, And I needed to be out in the community making contacts for potential job opportunities. This wasn't a move for all fun and games sake, even though it was something I had loved doing since I applied. Every reason that I had for applying had worked out so far in the month that I was there. I had even landed a career with a local city police department as a dispatcher. For the first time in my life, I actually had a career. I had never really been a career type person, I always saw myself working some regular job, getting off in the evening time, coming home to my family, and then doing it all over again the next day. Having a career over a job has tremendously helped my way of thinking in my recent adult years. It just goes to show you that a high school dropout can come along way if they put their mind to it. In five years I had become an experienced firefighter, and aspiring Public Safety dispatcher, an excellent warehouse hand and driver,an amateur equipment operator, and earned my GED. If all of this can happen to me dropping out of high school, then it's very possible that anyone else can do the same things. Hard work, determination, motivation, and devotion are keys to leading a bright future. Keep pushing for the top and eventually you will reach it. Have faith in yourself and teach others to have the same thing.   Education in the fire service is a never ending cycle. Any one firefighter that says he knows everything clearly has things left to learn. We consume our education, we process our education, we use it in experience, and then we pass it onto our younger generation. Continuing education and mentoring the younger generation with your knowledge and experience is part of leadership. Be a leader.