Life seemed to be looking up for me. I was climbing the ladder and it looked better and better the higher I went. There was no greater feeling than for me to hear myself introduce her as my fiancé, and hearing my mother introduce her as her new daughter. We had set a date a little over a year away. The problem was, it was right near the end of hurricane season, so we were hoping that we wouldn't get screwed over anywhere near our wedding date. After the initial excitement of getting engaged and wedding planning had leveled off, we realized that we had differences of opinion when it came down to what marriage was and how to conduct ourselves as a couple about to be married. To that day, I still wonder if she had ever left the single mindset, or if her past life had led her to believe that certain things were acceptable. We often fought over conduct as an engaged couple due to the fact of men who were still mixed into our relationship. I began to realize that I had sworn off all females in my life, probably out of guilt or pressure, and there were still men on her side who, I believe, we're trying to slide in my place. I had a feeling that we were about to be doomed when she stated to me, one night before bed, that marriage was a piece of paper in her mind. I couldn't believe it, a woman that could not recite the meaning of marriage by heart, but rather it was nothing more than a piece of paper to her.
Fighting fire in Alabama was different, but I learned to embrace the differences and how they helped my perspective overall. I did my job, very well in fact. I tried my hardest to be as much of an asset to the department as I could. I still wanted to make officer, even if it wasn't with one of my home departments. That doesn't go to say that I didn't occasionally do dumb shit and getting trouble, because I did. I would just like to point out that, in all my years of fighting fire, I have never been in trouble for a major offense. Everything that I have ever been in trouble for was minor and petty. The department that I was on in Alabama was much similar to the department I was originally from in Mississippi. We had roughly 20 members on roster, but only 5 or 10 would actually respond to calls. There were times I found myself being the only one putting the fire out. If I was lucky, I had a couple of rookies that tagged along with me and was able to let them take care of business, thus earning them experience. That didn't bother me one bit, I got to be the boss and they got to play with the fire and earn experience.
Somewhere between her own interest and the firemen from the department we were originally with, my fiancé decided that she wanted to become a career firefighter. The thought, at first, intrigued me. Being a loving husband to be, I supported her decision and encouraged her training. I tried to encourage her to follow me into the department that I was presently with in Alabama, but she wasn't ready to let go of the one in Mississippi just yet. I never figured out why. It did bother me a bit when her time in training outweighed quality time between the two of us, But I still wanted to be a supportive husband to be for her, so I just decided to bury it. What would bother me even more, was when the firemen from the county department in Mississippi, as well as the city department that she frequented were beginning to creep into our life a little bit more. There was now a deeper strain in our relationship due to the circumstances that were presenting themselves at the time. Ultimately, the position was given to a mutual friend of ours that had quite a bit more experience than she did, and was more familiar with the area he would be working in then she was. Not all that disappointed, she turned her focus back to nursing. I had always supported her being a nurse, after all, I still think I have a thing for women in scrubs. Our relationship was still on the rocks, but it didn't seem questionable at the time. After three months of being engaged, my fiancé came to me one night and informed me that she wanted to move back home, with her grandparents, so that she could pursue her nursing degree without the worry of bills that would be associated with a house together. I tried to reverse her decision by offering to take on extra work in order to keep up the bills so that she could focus more on her education than trying to make sure things got paid. She denied my offer, saying that she could not ask me to work so much and not be able to see her or spend time with her. As a good man, you feel compelled to make sure your loved ones are taken care of as much as possible. This is exactly what I was attempting to do. I learned a lesson that night, when a woman has made up her mind to do something, there is nothing in this world that can get her to change it. The best advice I can give you is to let whatever decision she has made play out. If it works out for her, you two were either never meant to be, or you are destined to follow in a path that leads you right back to her. If it doesn't work out, depending on how you were as a man, you may have a chance at her coming back. In my situation, she had her mind made up and she was moving out whether or not I supported her. Following conversations over the next couple of weeks, I found myself to no longer be an engaged man. I felt as if I had just lost my entire world.
Working in the warehouse had its good points and it's bad points. It was good in the sense that I had plenty of hiding spots that I could go and let my emotions out before going back to work. It was bad in the sense that, while I was on delivery, I was alone the entire time. Me being alone and having a mind full of thoughts has never been a good thing. We were still talking as though we were still together, but I think that was only to ease the sting of what was to come. Little did I know that one of the last nights we had together after our disengagement would be the last time I ever wrapped my arms around her. It didn't take long for me to get word that her real intentions for moving back home and breaking off our engagement had surfaced, and that my fears that I had in the beginning were being realized again. I don't think she was ever interested in going back to school, it's my belief that she wanted to be single again, and that's the only way she could pass it off to me where I may be okay with it. Her days would be spent at work and her nights would be spent at parties, bars, and clubs. I knew then what a man with a broken heart felt like. A broken heart can be one of the most destructive things in a persons life. Your body and mind together are both affected as well as your judgment. What made things worse was when I found out that the firemen I had been hearing about were part of this new lifestyle. I didn't have to inquire about her actions, they were the topic of conversations in every group imaginable within the fire service. For me, Betrayal reached a level I never thought I would see. I felt as though I couldn't trust anyone in the fire service, not even the people I fought fire with in Alabama. The high that I have been on for so long had quickly turn and took a pitfall. I had never felt this way in my life. I made a few rash decisions where my judgment had been affected, a few of them nearly putting me in the hospital. No way was I in any shape to fight fire neither physically, emotionally, or mentally. My head seemed to be spinning at 1000 miles an hour, I didn't know where to turn for guidance, help, or just someone to vent on. Finally, I turned to a very dear friend that I had known for a very long time in order to get my mind off of my present circumstances. It was this experience that brings me to the belief that sometimes, all a person needs is someone to listen. After four hours of venting, talking, and listening to suggestions of changes I needed to make in my life, I left their home and was able to sit down and eat a complete meal for the first time in weeks. My energy began to come back because I was eating more, my mindset was beginning to slowly improve, and I begin to learn to deal with the fact that this was going to be it, I was on my own from there on out.
None of this had deterred me at all from attempting one last ditch effort to get the girl that I loved so much to return to my arms. My attempt had ultimately failed, which didn't make me feel any better, but opened my eyes even more to the fact that it was over and was unlikely to regain. I hadn't felt that alone since I was a little boy. This gave me a little inspiration to turn my life around, which is what I did. If you remember, in the beginning, I dropped out of high school at the age of 17. I never made any mention of gaining my GED, because up until then, I hadn't. I left school in May 2003, in September 2008...I received my GED with above average scores. I knew that this would open the doors for me among the other skills and attributes I had acquired over the years. Finally, I had accomplished something in life
Just before my recent ex fiancé had given me word that she was going to leave, I was approached by my aunt who informed me of something in my past that I wasn't aware of. As I said before, I had a feeling that we were doomed, and I knew then, more than ever, that it was soon to come. I had put off investigating whether the claim of my past was true or not until I was certain of whether she would be leaving or not. When I finally had my answer, I immediately text the number that I had memorized from my past to investigate the claim that was being made. As it turned out, I had an 18-month-old daughter that I wasn't aware of until then. Not that my situation had improved with this information, but I had to now switch my focus to make a plan to be a father. I knew that having separated parents was no way for a child to grow up, so it was my plan to be together as a family with her mother in order to give my daughter the family that she deserved. She wasn't opposed to the idea, but the introductions to family had to be taken care of first. The mother and I had previously dated, so my family was used to her, but this would be the first time that my family would be able to meet the daughter I apparently had.
All initial things, after a brief period of exchanging information and explanations, had gone well between the two of us and we were in agreement that being a family may be what was best. All we had to do was just decide whether it he would be on the coast, or a little farther north, where she lived. In the meantime, I had gone back to fighting fire in my spare time. I went back with a clear head, open eyes, feet on the ground, and incident success at heart. It didn't last long before I was already contemplating a move farther north of my home. We had decided that since a living situation had already been secured where she was currently staying, that it would be best if we attempted to work things out where she was. I agreed with her because, honestly, I needed to get away from the coast for a while. She just happened to be related to the Fire Chief of the community where we would be living and he had told me multiple times before that it would be no problem getting me on the fire department. I packed my stuff and was on my way north within a few weeks. Maybe it was bad luck of the draw or that I had bad timing, but I happened to pick a moving date during a hurricane. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I never claimed not to do dumb shit.
I've already lined up a job working on the natural gas pipelines before I moved. My job would be clearcutting the pipeline right of ways per federal regulations and the company's need to see down the line in the case of leaks. The pay was decent enough, I wouldn't have to drive that far to get to work, and the summertime overtime I was looking at look very promising. Being in the fire service for almost 5 years, I thought that my original department was the most country that I would ever see in my life, I was about to be proven wrong. Keep in mind that I come from an area that runs roughly 300 calls per year. These people are probably lucky to see 200 per year. If they even see that. I ran one call the entire four months I was there, We probably only had four. Where I lived, as far as the eye can see, it was hayfields and cow pastures. The wide open spaces provided quiet, beautiful scenery. They also provided isolation and emptiness. It took four months for me to realize that being this far away from civilization sucks.
Late 2009/early 2010 brought snow to where we lived, which kept me from being able to work. No work, no pay. It seemed only temporary until constant winter rains kept work delayed. I couldn't be out of work that long, so I attempted to find employment around town. The town where I had moved was not economically up to where I was used to on the coast. I could work less jobs and make the same amount of money on the coast as opposed to living where I was. My girlfriend and I finally had a talk and decided that trying the coast out would be a financially smart move for us since we could both make more money. We agreed that once I found a job on the coast, we would move down and stay with family until she found a job and we could secure a place for us. I was firm, however, that if I could not find employment anywhere by February, I would be going back to the coast to rush the employment field. She either didn't believe me or hoped that I would find something before then, because when February 1st hit, I was coast bound. A week after I arrived on the coast, I began to become extremely bored and restless sitting around my grandparents house all day waiting for an interview call. I had to find something to do in my spare time, something that would earn me contacts around the coast.
My girlfriend was not at all pleased to find out that I had reapplied to my original community fire department. I couldn't very well sit around all day waiting for a phone call telling me that I had an interview, nor could I sit around up there waiting for her to get home so we could play house. I needed to stay active, I needed to do something with my spare time that was constructive and positive, And I needed to be out in the community making contacts for potential job opportunities. This wasn't a move for all fun and games sake, even though it was something I had loved doing since I applied. Every reason that I had for applying had worked out so far in the month that I was there. I had even landed a career with a local city police department as a dispatcher. For the first time in my life, I actually had a career. I had never really been a career type person, I always saw myself working some regular job, getting off in the evening time, coming home to my family, and then doing it all over again the next day. Having a career over a job has tremendously helped my way of thinking in my recent adult years. It just goes to show you that a high school dropout can come along way if they put their mind to it. In five years I had become an experienced firefighter, and aspiring Public Safety dispatcher, an excellent warehouse hand and driver,an amateur equipment operator, and earned my GED. If all of this can happen to me dropping out of high school, then it's very possible that anyone else can do the same things. Hard work, determination, motivation, and devotion are keys to leading a bright future. Keep pushing for the top and eventually you will reach it. Have faith in yourself and teach others to have the same thing. Education in the fire service is a never ending cycle. Any one firefighter that says he knows everything clearly has things left to learn. We consume our education, we process our education, we use it in experience, and then we pass it onto our younger generation. Continuing education and mentoring the younger generation with your knowledge and experience is part of leadership. Be a leader.
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